As we all know based on Elon Musk’s tweeting history, the crypto world is a very, sooper serious place. Please make sure your shirt is ironed, your tail’s tucked in, and you didn’t just upvote the literal dumbest .jpg on the internet before you plowed all your disposable income into altcoins.
Do not laugh, don’t smile, don’t satirize government officials in a renegade, impertinent, and punk-like fashion. Can’t you see that this is a sophisticated, centralized-power-undermining movement we’re trying to run?
Ok but for real…I’ll stop being sarcastic and get to the important stuff—comparing politicians to your favorite shitcoins…I mean, memecoins…no, this is high brow: altcoins.
It’s for the lolz, of course.
Dogecoin
Since Doge is the shitcoin at the top of the heap, of course it’s only fitting that we correlate it with the top dog in the White House. Some would say that President Joe Biden even exhibits many of the same qualities as our most favorite altcoin. For example: being a literal joke from day one. Now, I know what internet folk might say if I asked what brand archetype Doge and Biden embody. But no, I don’t think this politician or altcoin are jesters. Doge and President Biden make a great pair because many people are sus of them both being controlled by powers above and outside their own, autonomous movement—whales, one might say. The ruler archetype is the only one that fits.
Shiba Inu
Vying for the highest spot in the standings, hoping to one day topple Doge, the number two shitcoin in the crypto market has to be Shiba Inu. Vice President Kamala Harris may snugly fill these shoes. SHIB is extremely volatile, bouncing back and forth in its direction, purpose, and having questionable utility…these may be familiar patterns to some degenerates on the internet. Riding the coattails of Doge, Shiba certainly wouldn’t have been very popular if it hadn’t caught a tailwind from the shitcoin big-boy. There’s definitely a hype train that seems to be running out of steam for Shiba Inu, and flash-in-the-pan altcoins typically reveal themselves in the four-year market cycle.
Pepemon Pepeballs
The name gives it away, of course. Pepemon can be only one politician: Trump himself. This shitcoin is Pokemon-themed (among other things) and you “gotta claim ‘em all” in DeFi and NFTs. It’s eerily similar to the way Trump claimed he’d made every possible achievement. He also collected every media scandal, reputation bur, and ounce of hatred from people across America. Pepe the Frog and Pepemon the coin both capitalize on being fundamentally unserious, another recognizable trait. And regardless of reality, Pepemon likely sees its own brand archetype as the hero. Surely I don’t need to say more.
Safemoon Protocol
Safemoon went crazy in popularity, just like the governor of South Dakota, Kristi Noem. As decentralized finance continued to heat up, offering a safe haven for people who didn’t want to have their wealth rekt in the inflating US dollar, Safemoon’s DeFi features came to the rescue. Similarly, during the height of the COVID, Noem became a favorite among people who opposed pandemic restrictions by promising a safe haven of freedom in her state. Thousands of dangerous rule-breakers declared they were ready to move to South Dakota. Until she encountered a snafu with her own rules regarding a transgender bill vote. Her popularity quickly nosedived, just like the price of Safemoon after it pumped like crazy in April of 2021.
Cumrocket
I hesitate to even mention the bottom of the barrel when it comes to altcoins of scandalous nature. But should we ignore reality when Cumrocket registers above the fold with a market cap of more than $37 million on the list of top memecoins? Much as people might love to turn a blind eye to unsavory themes and influences on the culture, sometimes it hits the headlines and you can’t look away. People who were watching during the Clinton administration remember this all too well and may side-eye an attempt by either to position as the lover brand archetype.
Updog
While it may actually be a boring, run-of-the-mill DeFi token that does the same thing as all the other politicians altcoins, Updog at least has some vague mythology surrounding it since we’re all immediately on guard about being taken in when we hear someone mention “updog.” That feeling tracks surprisingly well when many people hear the name Mitch McConnell. Updog donates to animal charities, attempting to position itself with a caregiver brand archetype, just as Cocaine Mitch raises awareness for turtles.
Floki Inu
One of the newest baby politicians to break into public consciousness is Florida governor Ron DeSantis. Like Floki Inu, which promises to be “the people’s cryptocurrency,” it was born out of a support base for bigger, swinging dog coins that have gone before. Following in the footsteps of more influential altcoins in the space, Floki Inu is an image of something every shitcoin degen wants: Shiba Inu puppies and financial freedom. Likewise, Ron DeSantis claims he’s bringing a certain kind of freedom to Floridians (and perhaps even the country in a few years). But like Floki, many people see them as empty calories on a nothing sandwich. Neither have been tried in the fire yet and, at the end of the day, altcoins are altcoins and politicians are politicians.
Squid Game
For a brief moment, Squid Game tokens were hailed as the next savior of the altcoin universe. A cultural phenomenon rising to a height of admiration, Squid made big promises for the future—just like former governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo. During COVID, he was lauded by hype shills for his excellent handling of his city’s pandemic response. There was even some speculation of a 2024 White House run. But then, just like Squid, the rug was pulled out and the scam was revealed. Squid Game’s website doesn’t exist anymore—and neither does Cuomo’s career as a politician. Sometimes it’s all a farce and altcoins turn out to be shitcoins. That’s just how life goes sometimes, but here’s to hoping none of us were the ones who invested.
Summary
Like I mentioned at the beginning of this article, politicians and altcoins are both extremely serious and should not be mocked. Please follow my example and don’t let yourself get dragged to the depths of the trolly internet. Rather, open a bank account and start saving every penny you earn at your W2 job for your future retirement like a good, standup citizen who trusts the government and centralized powers.
About the Author
Michael Hearne
About Decentral Publishing
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